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A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a beer." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free beers was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up on the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

A man walks into a bar with his monkey. He orders a beer and sits to drink it. While he is sitting at the bar, his monkey is out of control. It jumps up on the pool table and eats the pool ball. The bartender runs up to the man and says "Did you just see what your stupid monkey just did?" "No, what did that stupid monkey do this time?" "He just ate the cue ball!!" "I hope it kills him" says the man. About two weeks later, the man comes back to the bar with his monkey. While he is drinking at the bar, his monkey is again out of control. The monkey finds a grape at the bar, picks it up, sticks it up his ass, and eats it. The bartender, having seen this, asks the man: "Did you just see what your sick monkey just did?" Man: "No" Bartender: "He just stuck a grape up his ass and ate it." Man: "What do you expect, he measures everything first, after that pool ball."

A man was sitting in a bar, on one side of him sat an emu, the other a cat. He ordered a round of drinks for the three of them and paid the bartender. The bartender brought their drinks and the three sat in silence drinking.

A short while later the bartender came back and asked if they would like another round, the cat indicated yes and the bartender poured  another round and moved towards the cat for payment. The cat turned his head away and ignored the bartender, so the man reached into his pocket and took out money and paid the bartender.

After a while the bartender returned, asking if they would like another drink. This time the emu indicated yes, and another round was poured, the emu placed the money on the bar and the three continued drinking.

This continued all night, each time it came to the cat, the cat continued to turn it's head and ignore the bartender when payment was required. Finally, with the man in tears, crying harder each time it was the cat's turn, the bartender, unable to contain his curiosity any longer asked the man what the situation was - he'd been in the bar all night drinking with an emu and a cat, and each time it was the
cat's turn, it turned away, yet the emu paid up with no problems.

"Well", says the man "I found this lamp washed up on the beach, as I was rubbing it clean, a genie appeared and granted me a wish. I thought long and hard, then wished for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."